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ok, confuzzled ._.

there are so many like, strands of thought running through my head recently.  a really big part of my mind wants to just, hide away =(  you know? like, get somewhere all by myself and just hide away from people as i feel so AWKWARD and weird when i am around people now due to anxiety.  but i KNOW that won't truly make me happy, i'd be sitting there all day on the pc, playing MMOs or tapping away in linux or whatever i'd be doing, as days would go by and to be honest i think it WOULD probably help my anxiety go, as i would have nothing to make it higher so long as i did a bit of pc support work to support myself.  Because like, there would be no frictions with other people, or pressures or anything as i would be completely in control of my own life.

But why do I want that? Other than things like not feeling as strong as i used to (for a few reasons) the main reason i want that is because i have been so tense and stressed out because of anxiety and it's triggers that i just can't even take normal day to day LIFE anymore, you know? everything scares me.  but that's not a reason to become a hermit, surely ,_,  some secluded no-life... life should be a last resort but i KNOW it wouldn't truly make me happy.  Because I know what makes me happy, i always have and i always will.  What makes me happy is sunshine, hot beaches, waves, water, friends, people, a girlfriend.. adventres, travels and exploring.  you know? that is the real me, deep deep down, underneath all this confusion, all these scars and messed up rubbishness.  he's still there :(  but i don't know for how long, because i feel like he's dying.

but i know i don't wanna take like, meds or anything for anxiety, because i feel like however my brain is tackling this, that's the way that is natural and i'm certainly not going to start trying to influence it like that with drugs.

so, what should i do? i've got somewhere to stay in london for a little while.. but man whatever i do i need to be sure of it, and it needs to feel stable and i need to feel safe.  No more rushing and uncertain lifestyles, that will only make me panicky.  Well, unless life is so light that it just doesn't matter..

and girls, there's a major issue for me too.  i used to be so good with girls and girlfriends and stuff.  so why is it i now feel like the sad guy who can't really get a gf and sits there while other people get them?  Man i'm not being this guy for much longer, i have to give sorting myself out the biggest shot of my life or i'm never going to pull myself out of this.. i'm not going the rest of my life without another gf, or living alone.

i feel like i have 3 paths, and 3 drives at the moment:

1. become a total hermit (that's like the loooow path)
2.  live a rebellious lifestyle, living in crazy places and doing crazy things, but to be fair, i think that part of my life is over now.  I've been to tons of gigs, and parties, and stuff... sadly no festies, but i've done similar things, and now my ears are all screwed up because of all the gigs... greeeaaat...  but like, the idea of living in squats and that stuff sounds cool, but i dunno, maybe i'm crying out for a more comforting life again... like...

number 3.  which is find a really cool gf (there are a few good looking potential things so that should be cool), and just calm down for a bit and live a nice little life, travel in a kinda enjoyable, slower way, see sites, and just take a break from all the need to be... rebellious and mad lol  besides, maybe that part of you is only there because you weren't happy being where you were before and wanted a different climate, hotter weather etc.  You can have spirit, but not be REBELLIOUS as such.

There are so many ways to live.  I just think i need to start to settle just a little bit, or i will find myself flailing around and my anxiety will never go, i need a rock or preferably an island to cling to in this ocean, just while i find my feet.

ok, done, that's what i'll do.  now i just need to work out which rock.. hehe, i guess sometimes choice can be a bad thing.

well, tomorrow i live somewhere new.  in London.  I'm in Canterbury at the moment, and man the last few weeks have been mad.

I was in Orpington for ages with everyone in the flat, then cant with friends for a few days, then south wales, now BACK in canterbury with different friends... and now to london! but at least i'm finally out on my own a little, it's been bumpy as hell but who knows, if i stay focussed, believe in myself and hold my head up, maybe i can turn this into something and really have a future!

oh and btw everyone check out this song as its amazing!

Sigur Rós - Inní mér syngur vitleysingur

wish me luck all! .. *takes deep breath!*

see you round,

Mike! =)  -

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