manwithplan

manwithplan @ 2009-03-18T11:51:00

2009-03-18T11:53:43Z

"Your voice, was the soundtrack of my summer, do you know you're unlike any other? You'll always be my thunder I said..

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colours, I don't wanna ever love another, You'll always be my thunder.."

:'(

hmm, first post in ages

2008-10-27T01:20:59Z

I've only been posting to twitter recently! I wonder if I can submit to livejournal by text too!

I will try sometime!

Chat later everyone!

Mike =)

i just watched all 3 Matrix films.. back to back!

2008-08-09T02:09:08Z

Never done that with a trilogy before! I just sat there and watched like 6 or 7 hours of the Matrix, with friends in and out watching bits too. I'd never seen the 3rd film, only the first 2, and was initially really unimpressed with the second when i saw it in the cinema years aog so i never went to see the third.

Buuuut this time round i was way more impressed. The first one was excellent (of course), the second one i loved this time from start to finish, and the third... was very good up until the end. I thought it was very anticlimactic. In fact... perhaps (at least on initial impression and the way i'm thinking of it now) one of the most anticlimactic films i have ever seen in my life.

I mean... where was the satisfying destruction of the machines? where was the proud Neo standing up and being "the One", even if the prophecy stuff wasn't true... that would make him kicking their asses all the sweeter! But no... some weird truce which even if it WASN'T for the huge plot hole of... the machines could just be lying... is unsatisfying and leaves you kinda... yeah it just leaves a bitter taste at the end.

So overall, a great storyline, great films and great action, but just a rubbish ending, at least from a satisfying storyline point of view. Cinematically the ending was climactic, just not in terms of what it represented.. if that makes sense. I mean like, could you imagine if in Star Wars Return of the Jedi they just formed a truce with the Empire? It would be like that... you'd leave like... eh!? The whole idea of having a super evil enemy to fight is that you BEAT them in the end!!

Oh well, other than that that was seriously fun and i've never watched a complete trilogy back to back before... apart from maybe eps 1,2 and 3 of star wars but we meant to watch more but got tired lol

aaanywho, there's my critique and now the next film on my list is the third LOTR film, which i also never saw. Coolies.

Chat later everyone =)

and something else!

2008-08-07T18:16:07Z

i should try to go with the flow and stop trying to fight for things all the time. sometimes it's a great trait to have, but recently it's just left me fighting for things i don't have or that won't be in my path simply because i don't have them.. you know? that's really silly.

instead of considering all these abstract plans and stuff, i should just go with things, whatever they are now, and see where life takes me. The path to happiness is through contentment, and i am never going to be content if i am constantly considering things i don't have!

if i let my guard down, go with the flow, and just try to enjoy myself i think i'll be surprised at how easy it is to get over my anxiety and be happy =)

eeeverything!

2008-08-07T15:19:01Z

ok, confuzzled ._.

there are so many like, strands of thought running through my head recently. a really big part of my mind wants to just, hide away =( you know? like, get somewhere all by myself and just hide away from people as i feel so AWKWARD and weird when i am around people now due to anxiety. but i KNOW that won't truly make me happy, i'd be sitting there all day on the pc, playing MMOs or tapping away in linux or whatever i'd be doing, as days would go by and to be honest i think it WOULD probably help my anxiety go, as i would have nothing to make it higher so long as i did a bit of pc support work to support myself. Because like, there would be no frictions with other people, or pressures or anything as i would be completely in control of my own life.

But why do I want that? Other than things like not feeling as strong as i used to (for a few reasons) the main reason i want that is because i have been so tense and stressed out because of anxiety and it's triggers that i just can't even take normal day to day LIFE anymore, you know? everything scares me. but that's not a reason to become a hermit, surely ,_, some secluded no-life... life should be a last resort but i KNOW it wouldn't truly make me happy. Because I know what makes me happy, i always have and i always will. What makes me happy is sunshine, hot beaches, waves, water, friends, people, a girlfriend.. adventres, travels and exploring. you know? that is the real me, deep deep down, underneath all this confusion, all these scars and messed up rubbishness. he's still there :( but i don't know for how long, because i feel like he's dying.

but i know i don't wanna take like, meds or anything for anxiety, because i feel like however my brain is tackling this, that's the way that is natural and i'm certainly not going to start trying to influence it like that with drugs.

so, what should i do? i've got somewhere to stay in london for a little while.. but man whatever i do i need to be sure of it, and it needs to feel stable and i need to feel safe. No more rushing and uncertain lifestyles, that will only make me panicky. Well, unless life is so light that it just doesn't matter..

and girls, there's a major issue for me too. i used to be so good with girls and girlfriends and stuff. so why is it i now feel like the sad guy who can't really get a gf and sits there while other people get them? Man i'm not being this guy for much longer, i have to give sorting myself out the biggest shot of my life or i'm never going to pull myself out of this.. i'm not going the rest of my life without another gf, or living alone.

i feel like i have 3 paths, and 3 drives at the moment:

1. become a total hermit (that's like the loooow path)
2. live a rebellious lifestyle, living in crazy places and doing crazy things, but to be fair, i think that part of my life is over now. I've been to tons of gigs, and parties, and stuff... sadly no festies, but i've done similar things, and now my ears are all screwed up because of all the gigs... greeeaaat... but like, the idea of living in squats and that stuff sounds cool, but i dunno, maybe i'm crying out for a more comforting life again... like...

number 3. which is find a really cool gf (there are a few good looking potential things so that should be cool), and just calm down for a bit and live a nice little life, travel in a kinda enjoyable, slower way, see sites, and just take a break from all the need to be... rebellious and mad lol besides, maybe that part of you is only there because you weren't happy being where you were before and wanted a different climate, hotter weather etc. You can have spirit, but not be REBELLIOUS as such.

There are so many ways to live. I just think i need to start to settle just a little bit, or i will find myself flailing around and my anxiety will never go, i need a rock or preferably an island to cling to in this ocean, just while i find my feet.

ok, done, that's what i'll do. now i just need to work out which rock.. hehe, i guess sometimes choice can be a bad thing.

well, tomorrow i live somewhere new. in London. I'm in Canterbury at the moment, and man the last few weeks have been mad.

I was in Orpington for ages with everyone in the flat, then cant with friends for a few days, then south wales, now BACK in canterbury with different friends... and now to london! but at least i'm finally out on my own a little, it's been bumpy as hell but who knows, if i stay focussed, believe in myself and hold my head up, maybe i can turn this into something and really have a future!

oh and btw everyone check out this song as its amazing!

Sigur Rós - Inní mér syngur vitleysingur

wish me luck all! .. *takes deep breath!*

see you round,

- Mike! =) -

i just...

2008-07-06T23:36:55Z

quit CEX! hehe

It was really quite accidental, I walked out of work quite early in the day today, i just don't like that place, and they knew i wanted to quit anyway so now... i'm gone! hehe

I just wrote a long post about it on ukhippy so i won't repeat lots but I am glad i'm gone, it's weird and I miss it a little, but at the same time the place was crazy and so stressed and stuff, and it wasn't doing me much (or ANY) good. Although I guess I enjoyed some of the experience, and I met some wicked people.

That's all I guess, but I would like to write more soon!

Mikey ^_^

O.O

2008-07-03T11:56:45Z

ah well! It's been a little while since I've posted on here..

I'm not entirely sure why i am really, i just thought of livejournal for some reason and thought it would be nice to let some thoughts out =)

Erm, yeah things aren't great but they're not terrible, I've got to hurry this entry a little as I'm going off to do a computer job later (at 2) so yeah, not too much time! I've been feeling alright, still wish I had it in me to feel more carefree again, but I never manage it - life is so temperamental and I'm always scared something bad will happen or it will hurt me. Like the fact I have no money, or no clue where I wanna go, and no gf... that sucks too.

I've been thinking a lot recently actually, about a few things - firstly about trying to encourage myself into situations where I might kinda, meet people who are like me or want to travel or do general hippyish stuff hehe - so like outdoorsy/surfer shops, volunteer work, ukhippy gatherings, things like that! Might do me a lot of good, I don't think CEX is the best place to meet hippy types lol

On top of that, I wanna become less dependant on technology. So i'm ditching my fancy phone, and making a lil pledge to myself to only use technology for like, trying to work out things that are OFF of technology (other... than... livejournal... i guess... lol), otherwise i get too sucked into it.

So, I'll go to some ukhippy gatherings this summer =) I'll grab my tent and go! I'll do some more computer jobs, try to get out more... maaaybe change my job or maybe just go and see my friend in canada and go travelling with her, who knows! I dunno...

Also, I have no idea why I'm listening to Lene Marlin and I'm like a bird by Nelly Furtado lol - ok weird hehe

Ok, but once I've got my life in shape, or once it seems a bit friendly and nice, i need to relax and enjoy it =) I don't wanna fall into the trap of ALWAYS wanting more or pushing myself just because i'm almost... USED to not being happy/content with things. Or am I already in this trap? I dunno.. But I like these songs anyway, I think I like the more emotional approach to life, but I also have quite a lot of bubbly and happy get up and go in me, man i hope i rediscover it all ^_^

I don't really change that much do I? hehe and I like staying the same =) Oooo new coldplay album playing now! eee ^_^ bye all =)

._.

2007-10-20T16:09:13Z

scared ._.

manwithplan @ 2007-09-27T04:52:00

2007-09-27T03:53:55Z

and my journal is so consistently emo i'm really sorry, i hope it picks up - i'll try ok? =)

the destruction of erm... a hell of a lot!

2007-09-27T03:51:38Z

i should have known, i really REALLY should have known me and laura was all going to end in tears and tons of messy agravation and bad stuff. and man it REALLY exploded.

I just don't know what to do with that, I really really don't. It's so complicated I couldn't begin to sum it up, i just don't even know how to explain it. But it ended more messily than any rship or potential rship i have ever had. But that was seriously inevitable, we were up and down so often and it was SO SO SO SO unpredictable the whole time and that was never going to stop. We had more bumps and confusion and different events in 6 months of not meeting than in both of my long term relationships put together! Probably more than all my other encounters with other PEOPLE put together!! lol

and I just got really criminalized in chat as if I did so much so terribly wrong and was such a bad guy and wants all this bad stuff

oh, a friend of mine logged on so i think i will try to talk to her about it all, i really need company right now =)

Wow i hope my life picks up again! How did i get to this point? =S Shouted at in chat by people claiming i have problems and stuff? Ugh man i KNOW i'm not that messed up (and i'm not don't worry) but i need lots of nice positive things to happen and life to feel nicer to really allow me to get back to where i was and feel more like ME, and i need to move on from laura and her new guy, and put it completely behind me.

Wish me luck =)

Mike

(first entry in aaaaages! wish it was something a bit nicer =) )

everyone! Check out my cool new ebay store!

2007-07-20T15:18:50Z

Hey all! In a first step to getting my stall business up and running, I have made an ebay store!

The initial product line is a bit of trial, but I hope you see things you like and it would be great if people favourite it or subscribe to the newsletter, as the product line will hopefully double and triple in the future as i want to have hemp clothing, CND merchandise, poi, fair trade trainers - TONS of cool stuff!

Enjoy!

The Sombrero Stall

Hoppi - king of angsty posts!

2007-07-16T02:18:30Z

here is a post from the thread i just started on no more panic, thought i'd put it here too as it's a bit livejournaly. Might be good to look back on as it's got a lot of my feelings and thoughts in it

"hiya

hmm it's been a weird night and day for me, i thought maybe i should let it all out somewhere.

I have felt so SO down at times, and the only reason i have been feeling better for the past few hours is i was chatting to a couple of girls on the net and there were hints of them liking me and stuff, which sounds silly but obviously that always makes your feeling of loneliness or panic about feeling abandoned fade a bit, as there is someone who doesn't mind being close to you. You know what I mean?

hmm :( and i feel weird again. My mood is so up and down. i guess i feel alone now as there is no-one around at the moment, the person i was chatting to is gone.

but yeah i noticed something super weird earlier. I was playing furcadia and i was in this bar in the game, and i noticed that even in GAMES i tend to sit away from people, or distance myself from groups. Like there were a load of them sitting on these rugs and seats in the middle of the virtual bar, and i went over in the corner and plonked myself in the middle of cold floor away from everyone, which is precisely where i would be if i had the option in reality. So I encouraged myself to go over and sit with them, and i sat on the little virtual rug with the virtual furry people, and even that felt so weird! i felt way to close to people, and way too... like i was in a situation where i should feel comfortable around others and close like that.

I think I just have major issues with feeling accepted or comfortable around people, i am used to being picked on and pushed away and hurt and stuff.

Why can't this all stop? These lonely horrible feeling inside of me? This frustration? This confusion, this feeling of being left out and cold and alone?

I want to have a LIFE again so, so much. Like I did a few years ago. even my character in furcadia is now just sitting on a two person seat all by himself!! lol *slaps forehead!*

He's a squirrel and is also called Hoppi

but it's not necessarily just wanting a girlfriend, it's just wanting PEOPLE and close friends and a real LIFE again.
Everyone seems to have people they really click with and feel so close and connected to apart from me. That girl i was chatting to before was like "yeah we can try being together more but the person i am with has to know there is someone else and they will always come first" (the other person was a close friend). And I don't want to be second best or an "ok friend" or just "someone". *cries* i want to feel SPECIAL. i want to feel special to someone and to people so, so much. I want to feel like i'm valued and like people really enjoy being with me. You know?

i'm tired of being hurt and pushed away and having someone else chosen over me. I'm tired of being a silly, single guy who has to get the attention of girls because there seem to be so many of us around - you know what i mean? It's like because there are so many of us compared to relatively few single girls looking for guys, i don't feel like i'm worth much as a person, at least not to girls.

and i want my stall idea to succeed (my fair trade hippy-ish stall idea). I want to have my own lil fun business and travel and help people and do good things, i want to have fun and i want to live my life and learn and experience things.

and i guess i should end this waffly post now! lol

thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read it, i really appreciate it, and hopefully my life will pick up again soon or someday

Hoppi "

not sure really

2007-07-09T20:57:17Z

ah dear. lol

just had another "emo moment" and you would have got a veeery emo post by me on here ... but i think i let it all out listening to less than jake lol

however, the basic causes of it are still knocking about in my head. It's just, I was looking for jobs in the local papers but I always just feel so low. I feel so small and inferior and pathetic, like everyone is better than me or there is always someone better than me.

I am jumping through hoops to impress employers, playing by their rules, getting shoved around by parents and employers, basically spending my whole time below someone else. Never able to be fully there or fully significant or fully accepted, as i'm always lower than someone else, always being very firmly controlled. and i hate being controlled. I want to be free to express myself, not express somebody else.

Even trying to organize the stall, the downright BULLYING that takes place is atrocious. Councils are just a nightmare to work with and I'm tired of them taking all our money and not even being nice to me over the phone. Why can't they try to help me, or back off, or at least if they need to impose all these mad rules then be helpful and help me to cope with them and work with them. Why can't they do that? Is that so tough? They should try doing their jobs for once.

ugh, well that's that. lol I mean i don't give up and i keep trying, but it's gotten to the point where looking at job listings actually makes me feel physically sick. I just feel so WORTHLESS, and I'm tired of people making me feel worthless. I feel like people are standing over me like powers that be and I am completely at their mercy. and man i hate it.

i need to be free. i need to express myself.

i need to voice my opinions and make myself heard, and not feel like someone can click their fingers and take my whole life away from underneath my feet. i hate that feeling.

so what is the solution? i dunno. ._. still wanna do my plans and things but people are so good at putting things in my way, canterbury council are a nightmare. owh >.<

oo some things are coming up, i'll write more later...

._.

2007-07-02T11:17:39Z

"So you say, all your white flags are up and that you've had enough
and you're tired of collecting dust
you say everything always looks the same
and you need a brand new face to match a brand new place
you say all your distress calls have gone out and your ship is going down

Well I say it to myself all the time,
"Stop living half and a life and stop feeling like I'm half alive."

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file lines, is this real life? I keep telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside.

Do you remember when we had all the answers?
and can you really remember, when we wished for anything better, does it feel like it's been forever, does it feel like a broken record,
head full of yesterdays, you keep wishing your life away, you can't keep looking over your own shoulder,
things'll never look up unless you start to look forward.

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, I can't get enough, I'm just getting by, I can't stand this design for our bitter lives, I keep feeling lost and I'm not satisfied with traffic and turnpikes and these tired eyes

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file lines, is this real life? I keep telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside."

i dunno really - let's see what happens =)

2007-06-20T12:54:33Z

hey everyone!

i haven't written anything in a while but i thought as at the moment I am in a bit of a mood i don't understand, i could try to understand it by writing things down.

The thing is, i thought i was settling into a bit of a low patch again which would be the first time in a little while, because it looks like I am truly single again, but it's not quite as low as I thought it would be. It's like, I was sitting there listening to LTJ, and instead of lots of the lyrics making me cry or feeling all small and "things will never work out" or emo, I actually still had quite a lot of hope in me. I have hope because i feel that i have more friends around me, the stall stands a good chance of working, there are a few friends nearby (kinda =S ), there are a few girls i know who would maybe like to be cuddle buddies (nice for when you want a cuddle!) and i have this silly little MMORPG game Dofus -

http://www.dofus.com

to keep me company and escape into when I am feeling like I need a five minute break from reality. I've also got a few other MMORPGs but Dofus is my current fave hehe!

So I wonder what this means? Am I in denial? Will I sink lower in time? I really don't know ._. All I hope is that the stall works, my life moves on and I start to really feel like a full PERSON again. and also that I have a shower, as I need one. lol

well I mean i guess that's it really. So how are all of you guys doing? lol

Oh here is my ridiculous list of MMORPGs (or "online RPGs") i've been playing recently:

Neverwinter Nights, Dofus, Regnum Online, Planeshift, Runescape... and a few others that I didn't play so much. They're all pretty good, and all play on Linux, which is why I chose them. They are also all relatively low spec so I can play them on my laptop.

Oh, and for the gamers out there, it is true now that pretty much every major windows game will now run on linux with the help of Cedega and Wine. and, maybe if you run them in fluxbox with a good kernel, you shouldn't really notice any framerate drop due to windows being emulated. Unfortunately, due to my laptop and desktop being veeeery low spec I can't try any of the newer stuff, although I did manage to get Half-Life 2 running on here fairly smoothly! It's only 1.8ghz!

anywho, well I think that's it really! I need to head off now to sort out my bunny's cage. I was supposed to be going to lucee's today but her bf is there so I don't really wanna be the "third person" or whatever.

hmm, i WOULD like a gf, and there are lots of people I like, maybe i should just go for it and see how it goes. but then, I am so used to being single now, it might feel weird to be in a relationship!! how ironic is that? lol for the whole time i was single i was saying the exact opposite! Well, let's see what happens =)

Mike

EDIT - a little thought =) I have to let my guard down sometimes and just enjoy the present. Enjoy the experience of every moment of my life, instead of worrying =) I think if I get some distance from my parents, I can finally slip back into that wonderful mindset ^_^

all sorts...

2007-06-11T02:16:55Z

ok, here's the thing ^_^

i wanna go to canterbury, i wanna see the abandoned cane hill asylum, i wanna go to dartford to be kinda closer to laura, i wanna see POTC3, 28 weeks later and spider man 3 if it's still on, i wanna meet up with craig and jack again and get moving to wales and start the ethical stall, i want to go to more social things, and i want to play deus ex because i never played it back when it came out and CVG say it's the best game ever. oh and eventually, I want to go back to uni whilst still doing the stall.

and, i truly, truly want to slay my three demons - anxiety, raynauds in my hands and something else too.

ok, those were all pretty random hehe but at least it shows i've still got drive and spirit and some ambition left in me! hehe! at least i feel like, despite everything, i can see hope at the end of this tunnel and i think i can still enjoy life!!

Wish me luck! =)

oh btw i was quite proud of my images on this thread!! i'm hoppipolla of course!

http://www.ukhippy.com/forums/showthread.php?p=303638

peace out everyone - i'm FINALLY off to bed!

oh my ._.

2007-06-10T16:41:11Z

i'm feeling strange ._.

thing is, i wanted to do things this weekend. I wanted to explore abandoned cane hill asylum and hang out with jack yesterday, and go into canterbury with martin, jo and people today. But it's like, I am so sure things will go wrong i almost pre-emptively ruin them and disappoint people just so they don't let ME down. Does that make sense?

Instead of going into things shields down and just going at things normally, i hesitate and i dunno, end up going into everything expecting the worst and my guard 100% up. I need to try to go with the flow again, let my shields down no matter WHAT my instincts are telling me. Well, maybe instincts is the wrong word... my feelings and intuition and... a more learned response.

You know what I mean.

Ugh, heeeeeeeeeelp!!! lol

manwithplan @ 2007-06-04T01:13:00

2007-06-04T00:14:15Z

testing LJ 1..2..3

is it posting again yet?

i think i have died and gone to heaven.

2007-05-31T01:23:16Z

look! LOOK!!

http://www.28dayslater.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=13770

*drools* =O

nerdy stuff...

2007-05-29T02:06:23Z

well, i was going to be writing this LJ entry under Sun's new "Looking Glass" Java-based GUI but sadly... it's buggy as hell. lol so i'm using good ol' KDE. Which in itself is unusual for me as I'm usually using Gnome + Beryl but all's well.

Looking Glass is ok it's just got a LONG way to go, I mean it's very blurry and buggy and feels a bit... out of it's depth using Java and stuff to construct an entire GUI. But I'm sure it will get there eventually =) Lots of interesting graphical trickery though - the windows sway and clip to the sides in 3D, the menus are 3D, the mouse cursor is 3D... hell everything is 3D! lol

It also has this interesting way of presenting virtual desktops where instead of them being one by one or displayed on a cube or walls, they present four views from the same spot of surrounding scenery. It's quite interesting, and very surreal the way the camera seems to pan in and out of the scenery a little, makes you almost feel a little sea-sick!

But yeah, a long way to go. God knows how they are going to get the libraries and stuff up to scratch but I suppose it is open source so it's all possible. I mean it's just SO far behind Qt and GTK though, but we'll see what happens. Competition is always good, and it certainly has a unique approach to it, and one that is very welcome.

In other news... a little bit of confusion with Laura recently but things otherwise ok, we had a lovely chat on the phone last night (well, i suppose it was two nights ago as it's nearly 3am but anyway! hehe!)! I can't wait to see her!

I've also been hard at work planning the stall and the move to Wales. I'm trying to judge suppliers and things more by vibe than anything else... well that and what kind of wholesale reduction they offer! lol Here are the suppliers we have down:

www.puresativa.com
www.fairdealtrading.com
www.poipoi.info
www.cnduk.org

and more coming, i'm going to phone lots tomorrow. Lots of good ideas going round. And we are considering being OUTSIDE of the city centre as a street trader, as that way it's only £90 a MONTH! and we are talking 7 day weeks too. So if we can find somewhere semi-busy, it's a perfect compromise and not too much of an investment. Inside the city centre it's more like £318 a month, and in the indoor market we are talking a huge £700-800 a month! And that's for 6 day weeks!! Even then that works out at half the cost a day of a stall in Orpington. Gives you an idea of how much it varies.

Overall though, I can't wait =) I want to get stuck in, promote good causes, have lots of fun, hang out with mates, and finally be in control of my life again! But should we have the stall on a table, a cart, a rug or... a little red wagon! O.O hehe! I love the concept of carrying the whole stall around on a wagon, and then when it breaks i get the enjoyment of saying "I'll fix YOUR little red wagon!"

ahem!

we are even thinking of calling the stall/company that... Little Red Wagon =)

well anyway that's that, just a nice little update on my life as I know I've been super quiet recently. My anxiety is still a real problem, but I'm hoping a combination of distance from my parents and taking more control of my life (things starting to take real shape) will ease it up greatly.

Wish me luck everyone!

Peace ^_^

Mike

oh my my my

2007-05-17T00:57:14Z

wiiiiill i ever change? will i always be a bit odd and a bit reclusive and a bit defensive and kinda... humbled? Then attempt to be strong, and be strong in my own way, and then close up again and hide.

hmm.

i'm not feeling BAD as such. i'm just feeling... like i'm looking at myself from above. you know? viewing my life and thinking about it.

i'm going to try to apply for a job, i've decided it might just be easier than keep trying to claim benefits as they have been a nightmare so far... hopefully my anxiety will keep quiet so i can work. ((EDIT -- I'm making a new CV... well, thoroughly rewritting the old one! Now it's much prettier and more colourful/natural and less formal and more genuine. i like it =) )). I wouldn't mind a few consecutive working days a week, then i will still have time for travelling and camping and planning the stall and what-not.

i need to learn to stand up.

oh, i've decided to do the stall in maybe wales, as it's cheaper and more people are able to do it there. I could have as many as FOUR committed people O.O I mean wow five people overall is enough to class it as a company!! that means we need a NAME! lol

i guess the biggest thing that makes me feel different fundamentally... you wanna know what it is? i'm sure i've said already. and it's affected by my anxiety but not caused by it. is still my raynauds. it's difficult for me to go crazy and socialize and have fun when my hands are changing colour and going bright red every five seconds... it really embarrasses me.

I guess that's one reason i want to go all alternative, it gives me more options.

i have other demons, but the raynauds is a biiiiig one.

but it's not that i'm unhappy. or even really unhappy with how i am, it's how i am and i am like this for a reason, good and bad. but i need to find my feet and work around my problems and stand up on my own two feet and say "WORLD... here i am." =)

my counsellor's really nice though, although it still feels weird having a counsellor... the sessions are so friendly though! by the end we are chatting so much you wouldn't guess who was counselling who it just becomes a friendly conversation about life and society and everything!

and i love it when we're called crazy hippies when i'm walking along with mates... i can't deny it. lol

i guess i just like to express myself and be noticed... i dunno. it's weird.

i guess the thing that started me on this train of thought was going through facebooks again and seeing all my old school friends and acquaintances and what not, and also seeing pics of everyone else liiiiivin' it up while i am kinda... all confuzzled and living life in patches and stuff. and sooo self conscious and anxious and insecure.

but i don't hate myself =) and i don't lose hope. and inside i'm still happy bouncy mikey =) i still have patches where i feel on top of the world, but unfortunately i also have very low ones, but there haven't been so many recently which is nice =)

but thing is, i know all my bad and good elements whether physical or mental, they shape me. even the demons i face (i have 3 big ones i think) have very distinctly shaped me in good ways as well as bad. And as long as i can get rid of them some time soon, I am genuinely thankful for the good things they have done to me.

ah dear. life eh? it's mad. and i hope i start to suss mine out. I want to go camping. anyone up for an adventure? i wonder where i put those tent pegs... =S

^_^

2007-05-08T13:24:25Z

it went well! she was chatting to me for ages and i think i really let a lot of stuff out, by the end it was mainly focusing on the way i feel criticized and told what to do all the time, and i think it made her smile that i even DREAM about it! (see last entry!)

she was saying that instead of closing up or just taking it, i should try to be a little more assertive and kinda stand up more, reflect things back ot people like by saying "it's nothing personal, but i don't think what you just said was very funny/nice" - so, not nasty things or arguments but just not sitting back and taking everything and absorbing the criticisms and cutting comments and everything like a sponge ( [spunge]!! hehe )and storing it.

so that's that really, my first counselling session and a success i think! yay!

i think i need to start standing up for myself and i need to move on with things so i feel away from parents and free-er =)

stuff

2007-05-08T10:49:40Z

well, i'm anxious because i have a counsellor's appointment in an hour and a half... and i guess i don't like being somewhere at a specific time and rules it makes me feel weird inside now, plus i don't know what it involves. Plus i'm going to take some of my LJ with me in case anything relevant comes up.

Last night I had a weird dream though, oh but i just realized something. Quite often I have dreams in which Nozomi (my rabbit) is there and i pick her up but am holding her too tightly, or handle her in a kinda frustrated way. I have just thought that maybe that could be a mix of like, love for the lil bunny and also stress and tension in me, and maybe a bit of history i have had having to pick her up a little roughly when she has been doing something naughty lol but yeah, so i think it's the tension that gives me things like that... well, not just think, i'm sure of it.

anyway, in the dream last night amongst other things I had my own car, and in patches I felt really confident and in others Mum and Bob were in the car and I was PETRIFIED of being criticized and laughed at, absolutely terrified. I'm sure I've mentioned in the past how much they do it in reality, not just to me, but when i'm feeling low it feels like it's targetted JUST on me even when it may not be. but anyway yeah, so at times i was more relaxed and confident with the idea of driving, but people kept talking to me about rules and restrictions and what i need to do and when and people kept coming out of nowhere and telling me what to do and i couldn't really get a word in. Although I think I tried to act all cool and confident on the surface at times. After a while of sitting in the car with Mum and Bob about to drive, with Bob explaining what certain things in the car did, I got really panicky in my head and felt weird and just went off in a strop like i always do, i think i shouted something briefly first about never wanting to drive anymore and just yeah, walked away all angry, like i always do. It's like I just want to forget the people i walked away from, be by myself and curl up.

So Laura, it's not just you I do that to and I'm really really sorry. The more anxious and tense and panicky and stuff or unhappy I get, the more I do it and the emo and angsty I get. It doesn't mean I like you any less, I think the world of you, but I guess it's just a defence mechanism or... something. i don't know ._. it can really help me though, it's part of who I am, I just wish my anxiety would go so i didn't do it as much or as intensely.

but yeah, I guess that's that, i should print some of my LJ off and go now =)

wish me luck everyone! Peace =)

I ...

2007-05-06T15:14:27Z

... want to play poi =)

i'll take them to my dad's

see, i'm simmering down now i knew i would =)

yeah ._.

2007-05-06T14:53:54Z

i'm really just posting this to push my last one down as i don't want to worry people too much. i had to let that out, and i will be ok in time it's just there is a lot bottled up inside me and it comes out when i feel frustrated. i go kind of angsty/emo -> crying -> numb -> ok again.

ok, sorry again and i'll keep fighting my way through this. it doesn't help how lonely i feel, and i always go a bit funny when i know beth will be around as she is apparently coming over later so i have play the fun avoid beth game. i need my life to pick up... which it will, i mean i do have plans and things. i need breathing space. thanks for just... i dunno, putting up with me

Mike