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the destruction of erm... a hell of a lot!

i should have known, i really REALLY should have known me and laura was all going to end in tears and tons of messy agravation and bad stuff.  and man it REALLY exploded.

I just don't know what to do with that, I really really don't.  It's so complicated I couldn't begin to sum it up, i just don't even know how to explain it.  But it ended more messily than any rship or potential rship i have ever had.  But that was seriously inevitable, we were up and down so often and it was SO SO SO SO unpredictable the whole time and that was never going to stop.  We had more bumps and confusion and different events in 6 months of not meeting than in both of my long term relationships put together! Probably more than all my other encounters with other PEOPLE put together!! lol

and I just got really criminalized in chat as if I did so much so terribly wrong and was such a bad guy and wants all this bad stuff

oh, a friend of mine logged on so i think i will try to talk to her about it all, i really need company right now =)

Wow i hope my life picks up again! How did i get to this point? =S  Shouted at in chat by people claiming i have problems and stuff?  Ugh man i KNOW i'm not that messed up (and i'm not don't worry) but i need lots of nice positive things to happen and life to feel nicer to really allow me to get back to where i was and feel more like ME, and i need to move on from laura and her new guy, and put it completely behind me.

Wish me luck =)


(first entry in aaaaages! wish it was something a bit nicer =) )
Hey all!  In a first step to getting my stall business up and running, I have made an ebay store!

The initial product line is a bit of trial, but I hope you see things you like and it would be great if people favourite it or subscribe to the newsletter, as the product line will hopefully double and triple in the future as i want to have hemp clothing, CND merchandise, poi, fair trade trainers - TONS of cool stuff!


Hoppi - king of angsty posts!

here is a post from the thread i just started on no more panic, thought i'd put it here too as it's a bit livejournaly. Might be good to look back on as it's got a lot of my feelings and thoughts in it


hmm it's been a weird night and day for me, i thought maybe i should let it all out somewhere.

I have felt so SO down at times, and the only reason i have been feeling better for the past few hours is i was chatting to a couple of girls on the net and there were hints of them liking me and stuff, which sounds silly but obviously that always makes your feeling of loneliness or panic about feeling abandoned fade a bit, as there is someone who doesn't mind being close to you. You know what I mean?

hmm :( and i feel weird again. My mood is so up and down. i guess i feel alone now as there is no-one around at the moment, the person i was chatting to is gone.

but yeah i noticed something super weird earlier. I was playing furcadia and i was in this bar in the game, and i noticed that even in GAMES i tend to sit away from people, or distance myself from groups. Like there were a load of them sitting on these rugs and seats in the middle of the virtual bar, and i went over in the corner and plonked myself in the middle of cold floor away from everyone, which is precisely where i would be if i had the option in reality. So I encouraged myself to go over and sit with them, and i sat on the little virtual rug with the virtual furry people, and even that felt so weird! i felt way to close to people, and way too... like i was in a situation where i should feel comfortable around others and close like that.

I think I just have major issues with feeling accepted or comfortable around people, i am used to being picked on and pushed away and hurt and stuff.

Why can't this all stop? These lonely horrible feeling inside of me? This frustration? This confusion, this feeling of being left out and cold and alone?

I want to have a LIFE again so, so much. Like I did a few years ago. even my character in furcadia is now just sitting on a two person seat all by himself!! lol *slaps forehead!*

He's a squirrel and is also called Hoppi

but it's not necessarily just wanting a girlfriend, it's just wanting PEOPLE and close friends and a real LIFE again.
Everyone seems to have people they really click with and feel so close and connected to apart from me. That girl i was chatting to before was like "yeah we can try being together more but the person i am with has to know there is someone else and they will always come first" (the other person was a close friend). And I don't want to be second best or an "ok friend" or just "someone". *cries* i want to feel SPECIAL. i want to feel special to someone and to people so, so much. I want to feel like i'm valued and like people really enjoy being with me. You know?

i'm tired of being hurt and pushed away and having someone else chosen over me. I'm tired of being a silly, single guy who has to get the attention of girls because there seem to be so many of us around - you know what i mean? It's like because there are so many of us compared to relatively few single girls looking for guys, i don't feel like i'm worth much as a person, at least not to girls.

and i want my stall idea to succeed (my fair trade hippy-ish stall idea). I want to have my own lil fun business and travel and help people and do good things, i want to have fun and i want to live my life and learn and experience things.

and i guess i should end this waffly post now! lol

thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read it, i really appreciate it, and hopefully my life will pick up again soon or someday

Hoppi "

not sure really

ah dear. lol

just had another "emo moment" and you would have got a veeery emo post by me on here ... but i think i let it all out listening to less than jake lol

however, the basic causes of it are still knocking about in my head. It's just, I was looking for jobs in the local papers but I always just feel so low. I feel so small and inferior and pathetic, like everyone is better than me or there is always someone better than me.

I am jumping through hoops to impress employers, playing by their rules, getting shoved around by parents and employers, basically spending my whole time below someone else. Never able to be fully there or fully significant or fully accepted, as i'm always lower than someone else, always being very firmly controlled. and i hate being controlled. I want to be free to express myself, not express somebody else.

Even trying to organize the stall, the downright BULLYING that takes place is atrocious. Councils are just a nightmare to work with and I'm tired of them taking all our money and not even being nice to me over the phone. Why can't they try to help me, or back off, or at least if they need to impose all these mad rules then be helpful and help me to cope with them and work with them. Why can't they do that? Is that so tough? They should try doing their jobs for once.

ugh, well that's that. lol I mean i don't give up and i keep trying, but it's gotten to the point where looking at job listings actually makes me feel physically sick. I just feel so WORTHLESS, and I'm tired of people making me feel worthless. I feel like people are standing over me like powers that be and I am completely at their mercy. and man i hate it.

i need to be free. i need to express myself.

i need to voice my opinions and make myself heard, and not feel like someone can click their fingers and take my whole life away from underneath my feet. i hate that feeling.

so what is the solution? i dunno. ._. still wanna do my plans and things but people are so good at putting things in my way, canterbury council are a nightmare. owh >.<

oo some things are coming up, i'll write more later...


"So you say, all your white flags are up and that you've had enough
and you're tired of collecting dust
you say everything always looks the same
and you need a brand new face to match a brand new place
you say all your distress calls have gone out and your ship is going down

Well I say it to myself all the time,
"Stop living half and a life and stop feeling like I'm half alive."

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file lines, is this real life? I keep telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside.

Do you remember when we had all the answers?
and can you really remember, when we wished for anything better, does it feel like it's been forever, does it feel like a broken record,
head full of yesterdays, you keep wishing your life away, you can't keep looking over your own shoulder,
things'll never look up unless you start to look forward.

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, I can't get enough, I'm just getting by, I can't stand this design for our bitter lives, I keep feeling lost and I'm not satisfied with traffic and turnpikes and these tired eyes

I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file lines, is this real life? I keep telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside."

i dunno really - let's see what happens =)

hey everyone!

i haven't written anything in a while but i thought as at the moment I am in a bit of a mood i don't understand, i could try to understand it by writing things down.

The thing is, i thought i was settling into a bit of a low patch again which would be the first time in a little while, because it looks like I am truly single again, but it's not quite as low as I thought it would be. It's like, I was sitting there listening to LTJ, and instead of lots of the lyrics making me cry or feeling all small and "things will never work out" or emo, I actually still had quite a lot of hope in me. I have hope because i feel that i have more friends around me, the stall stands a good chance of working, there are a few friends nearby (kinda =S ), there are a few girls i know who would maybe like to be cuddle buddies (nice for when you want a cuddle!) and i have this silly little MMORPG game Dofus -


to keep me company and escape into when I am feeling like I need a five minute break from reality. I've also got a few other MMORPGs but Dofus is my current fave hehe!

So I wonder what this means? Am I in denial? Will I sink lower in time? I really don't know ._. All I hope is that the stall works, my life moves on and I start to really feel like a full PERSON again. and also that I have a shower, as I need one. lol

well I mean i guess that's it really. So how are all of you guys doing? lol

Oh here is my ridiculous list of MMORPGs (or "online RPGs") i've been playing recently:

Neverwinter Nights, Dofus, Regnum Online, Planeshift, Runescape... and a few others that I didn't play so much. They're all pretty good, and all play on Linux, which is why I chose them. They are also all relatively low spec so I can play them on my laptop.

Oh, and for the gamers out there, it is true now that pretty much every major windows game will now run on linux with the help of Cedega and Wine. and, maybe if you run them in fluxbox with a good kernel, you shouldn't really notice any framerate drop due to windows being emulated. Unfortunately, due to my laptop and desktop being veeeery low spec I can't try any of the newer stuff, although I did manage to get Half-Life 2 running on here fairly smoothly! It's only 1.8ghz!

anywho, well I think that's it really! I need to head off now to sort out my bunny's cage. I was supposed to be going to lucee's today but her bf is there so I don't really wanna be the "third person" or whatever.

hmm, i WOULD like a gf, and there are lots of people I like, maybe i should just go for it and see how it goes. but then, I am so used to being single now, it might feel weird to be in a relationship!! how ironic is that? lol for the whole time i was single i was saying the exact opposite! Well, let's see what happens =)


EDIT - a little thought =) I have to let my guard down sometimes and just enjoy the present. Enjoy the experience of every moment of my life, instead of worrying =) I think if I get some distance from my parents, I can finally slip back into that wonderful mindset ^_^

all sorts...

ok, here's the thing ^_^

i wanna go to canterbury, i wanna see the abandoned cane hill asylum, i wanna go to dartford to be kinda closer to laura, i wanna see POTC3, 28 weeks later and spider man 3 if it's still on, i wanna meet up with craig and jack again and get moving to wales and start the ethical stall, i want to go to more social things, and i want to play deus ex because i never played it back when it came out and CVG say it's the best game ever. oh and eventually, I want to go back to uni whilst still doing the stall.

and, i truly, truly want to slay my three demons - anxiety, raynauds in my hands and something else too.

ok, those were all pretty random hehe but at least it shows i've still got drive and spirit and some ambition left in me! hehe! at least i feel like, despite everything, i can see hope at the end of this tunnel and i think i can still enjoy life!!

Wish me luck! =)

oh btw i was quite proud of my images on this thread!! i'm hoppipolla of course!


peace out everyone - i'm FINALLY off to bed!

oh my ._.

i'm feeling strange ._.

thing is, i wanted to do things this weekend. I wanted to explore abandoned cane hill asylum and hang out with jack yesterday, and go into canterbury with martin, jo and people today. But it's like, I am so sure things will go wrong i almost pre-emptively ruin them and disappoint people just so they don't let ME down. Does that make sense?

Instead of going into things shields down and just going at things normally, i hesitate and i dunno, end up going into everything expecting the worst and my guard 100% up. I need to try to go with the flow again, let my shields down no matter WHAT my instincts are telling me. Well, maybe instincts is the wrong word... my feelings and intuition and... a more learned response.

You know what I mean.

Ugh, heeeeeeeeeelp!!! lol
testing LJ 1..2..3

is it posting again yet?